Not my turn

A son settled abroad was convincing her mother to visit him. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was her answer.
"Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter`A0if you’re on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don’t want to be that far off the ground when it’s actually the pilot’s time to go."

Long drive

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. "I donthink I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It’s a rental."

Sales talk

We got lucky when we heard that the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out the doors saying, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

Keeping account

A wholesale dealer, who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills, finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.
He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts.
Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don’t like my way of doing business, I won’t even put your bills in the hat."

Guided trip

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don’t worry," says the guide, "I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About 300 years."

Marital row

"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were," shouted the woman to her husband. The husband replied, "You should have known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me."

Doggie tale

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing extraordinarily well. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He’s really not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."