Not my turn

A son settled abroad was convincing her mother to visit him. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was her answer.
"Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter`A0if you’re on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don’t want to be that far off the ground when it’s actually the pilot’s time to go."

Long drive

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. "I donthink I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It’s a rental."

Sales talk

We got lucky when we heard that the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out the doors saying, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

Keeping account

A wholesale dealer, who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills, finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.
He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts.
Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don’t like my way of doing business, I won’t even put your bills in the hat."

Guided trip

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don’t worry," says the guide, "I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About 300 years."

Marital row

"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were," shouted the woman to her husband. The husband replied, "You should have known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me."

Doggie tale

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing extraordinarily well. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He’s really not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."

Traffic sense

A police officer stops a woman for overspeeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday one of you takes away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Hard talk

Two friends are talking and one says to the other; "I am so tired of people not understanding what I’m talking about". His friend asks; "What do you mean?"

Maximum drive

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police constable handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
"Keep it," the constable advises. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."

Sweet heart!

Bill was invited for dinner by a friend. Every time he needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "Darling", "Sweet-heart", etc. etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." Bill replied, "Well, honestly speaking, I've just forgotten her name."

Soup

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
* * *
Waiter, 2 flies are drowned in my soup!
Waiter: Should I stop my work and train them how to swim.

Criminal

An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "
Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."The next question, intended for people who had answered "Yes" to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Tooth

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?Dentist: It's $99.
Patient: $99 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Dentist

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."

Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."